Sweep me up We are all God's unwanted children, so let's bitch and whine about our feelings.

My latest not-so-life changing decision of this year is to draw on my skin – permanently. I’ve decided to get some ink done, partly as a means to cover the scars on my arms and partly as a life-affirming message that I’ll be able to carry with me, you know, just in case my brain gets too full. I have my chosen appendage and I have my chosen venue, but as yet I haven’t quite decided what I would like written.

I figure as this will be a permanent feature of my body I would like it to have a fairly timeless and inspiring quality to it. Generic patterns and images just won’t cut it for me, they have no significance, there is no satisfaction in colouring myself in with doodles. I want to be able to look at my tattoo be reminded of something important to me, it should clarify my thoughts and ultimately I should be able to take comfort from it. When I’m lost and my mind is all at sea I want to know there will be one sobering thought that I can call upon for some clarity.

So you see this is quite an important thing for me, it will be different from the rest of the scars on my body, this scar will be created out of hope, not out of despair. There will be no blood this time, only the cool black ink, crystallising some piece of wisdom that I hold close my heart. Now the hardest part naturally, is deciding what this clever piece of wordplay should be, a single phrase or sentence that encapsulates my life philosophy…no small feat. So the first place I looked was patently among the things I draw most inspiration from, my favourite films, songs and books. After a few hours rifling through some choice lines I managed to isolate the people, films and songs and resonate my attitudes and feelings most eloquently.

Fight club, Waking life, the works of Lewis Carroll, Placebo, Nirvana, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Hitchcock. Anyone or anything that had made me stop and take stock of my life in the past featured on this shortlist of wry sayings and thought-provoking verbalisms. I compiled a shortlist and it sits in front of me as I type, a scrap of paper that’s contents will soon be transferred to my arm. I think I’ll ponder it some more, maybe even pick up a biro and scrawl them on my arm, try them out for size, see which ones feels like a good pair of jeans and which ones feel like a pair of shoes a few sizes too small.

Until next time (ooh, adds to shortlist).

Never have the disenfranchised, voiceless and forgotten had so much power to influence the world around them without the use of big pointy sticks or big-fuck-off-guns. Through social networking and viral mediums anyone, for the better or worse, can have their say, make their stand and change the world. From making the number 1 in the music charts to bringing back a chocolate bar right the way to giving a bedroom artist a record deal, the masses behind their computer screens can make it happen with the click of a mouse, welcome to the Youtube generation.

It’s a scary prospect for those of you who have ventured onto places like Youtube or Myspace and seen the endless parade of lobotomised chimps spouting their 2 cents worth in places they have no right to be, but for others a revolution from behind the keyboard, where you demand what you want and you bloody get it – fast. The world has truly shrunk; no one under the age of 18 will think anything of being able to talk with several different people from several different countries at the same time, wirelessly, sharing videos of cats playing pianos. It’s the most natural thing in the world, and don’t try to tell us otherwise.

Now with this comes a myriad of pros and cons but I’m just here to a celebrate a few of the best parts of our internet driven culture, our twittering, facebooking bebo of a Myspace, where Google reigns supreme and you can tell your life to fuck off! For us, the power of the ballot box had dissipated and the so called elite no longer hold our respect, not like our favourite Vlogger or celebrity on twitter.

Make or break – this power is in our hands, a Facebook group can build someone up to avalon before cruelly sweeping the pedestal from beneath their feet, all before you can say ‘send me another farmville invite and I won’t be responsible for my actions’. Facebook groups commonly do one of three things; 1.) Unites people in a common interest/idea 2.) Unites people in changing something 3.) Unites people in spreading misinformation and blatant lies. There are many worthy and notable examples of each type of group but I want to bring just one or two to your attention, either because they were ‘epic’ or because they were just downright alarming.

‘RIP Neil Bucannon’ – Now this would have been a very touching and sincere group…had Neil actually been dead. Yes, there was one fatal flaw in the set up of this group, the man for whom it was paying respects to was still alive and well, and rather startled to hear he’d died. The much loved Art attack presenter’s ‘death’ had stirred up so much sympathy and attracted so many members Neil’s agent decided to step in and put an end to the whole charade. Neil was apparently very touched by the overwhelming support but perhaps next time it’d be better to wait until he’s actually dead.

‘Rage against the machine for Christmas Number 1’ – Well, who’d have thunk it? They came, they saw, they knocked the X factor off its stage-managed, vote-rigging perch and it was all down to the good people off Facebook, and more specifically Tracy and Jon Morter, currently wallowing in their success at promoting the Rage comeback to the number 1 spot, against all odds. I’m sure this one be the last society altering group to grace our lives, how long until a general election is decided by Facebook? Surely Chuck Norris would be our Prime Minister come next May if that were the case.

Now Facebook groups aren’t the only tool for those of us who sit in swivel chairs playing online solitaire all day have of making things happen. Something as simple as a ‘subscribe’ button can change people’s lives. Even as I write this thousands, if not millions of aspiring artists ply their trade in front of their webcams hoping that they can build up a fan base online and attract the attention of a music producer or talent headhunter. And for those good enough, that will most likely happen, you see Youtube and websites like it are meritocracies, those who are good enough will be acknowledged and their talent will be rewarded. Unlike mainstream artists who rely on huge record labels plastering their faces on everything from bus stops to the back of chewing gum packets, ensuring their records play several thousand times a day on every radio station, arranging for them to be interviewed by Jonathan Ross and Graeme Norton, Youtube artists rely on people enjoying their music, and passing it onto a friend via word of mouth or email, or other web savvy techniques. They need people to rate their video highly for it to get any limelight, they need people to hit the right buttons and make the right noises for them to become successful. This removes the middle man, artists are playing directly to their audiences and their audiences are giving them instantaneous feedback. To me it’s a wonderful system and long may it continue, let the cream rise to the top and the chaff fade away into obscurity, it’s the natural order.

So there we have it, a generation standing up to oppression, calling for equality and fairness, fighting for the causes they believe in, making their opinions heard all from the comfort of their own bedrooms. My generation isn’t apathetic, they’re not lethargic or uninterested, they’re just programmed a slightly different way, inclined to speak up in a series of ‘lol’s and ‘Fml’s rather than a picket sign and a fluorescent hat and if you don’t like it, twitter me your complaint like a normal person. Peace out.

Ok recently I’ve taken quite an interest in all things sleep-related, from serious sleep deprivation to phase-delay and jet lag. After a friend of mine returned from a recent holiday over Christmas she reignited my interest in learning about the effects of sleep and sleep deprivation. She’s fairly used to travelling and therefore has experienced her fair share of the side-effects of globe hopping. She’ll come back and for the next week she’ll struggle to eat, sleep or function in the manner she had before she had gone away, everything will be completely out of synch. So I decided to turn to those fountains of information we call books, and several sleepless nights later, here’s what I pulled from them.

I’ll try to keep this post fairly jargon-lite and stick purely to the more meaty parts of some of the tips and tricks to get the most from sleep and its revitalising properties. Sleep is a vital part of existence for most living creatures but no one is better at shunning sleep or doing it incorrectly (you would have thought it’d be easy) than the human race. Now there are hundreds of myths circulating the web about ways to beat sleeping or the ideal number of hours to sleep and so on and so forth but the truth is, there is no standard, generalised shape or form to sleep and to get the most out of it, we’re all too different to build an ideal sleep model. I personally have a fairly unchanging biological rhythm and can get away with sleeping very few hours for weeks at a time without suffering any adverse effects. Others however require a solid 10 hours sleep a night to avoid fatigue or exhaustion. You see it all comes down to chemicals, social factors and our body-clocks (endogenous pacemakers to some of you), and each of us will get the most out of a different sleeping pattern. Now in an industrialised society it’s sometimes difficult to maintain a consistent sleeping pattern and some psychologists have linked this directly to the onset of organ diseases and increased risk of cancer.

This has lead people to ask some important questions, how can I regulate my sleep cycle and how do I get to sleep when I just can’t? Any users of Facebook or Myspace logging in at 3am in the morning will undoubtedly find a fair few messages reading something similar to this ‘OMG can’t sleep, help!’. The answer is sometimes simple, turn off your computer, lie down and shut your God damn eyes, other times we have to be a little trickier. Tiredness or drowsiness coincides with our biological rhythms and our levels of melatonin (a sleep inducing receptor in the brain). It’s also heavily impacted upon by external cues such as light or temperature (exogenous zeitgeibers) designed as an evolutionary response to keep us awake during the day and asleep at night. So by simply having lights on, whether it be lamps, room lights or a computer screen, we are inhibiting the production of melatonin and keeping ourselves more alert, and most importantly, awake. Our bodies you see, are very clever things, highly responsive to the world around us, when it gets colder at night our body responds by telling us we should ‘hibernate’ or sleep, and assuming we have listened and have gotten to sleep we will also experience a drop in body temperature at around 4:30am.

If we happen to be awake at this time we will be naturally colder than we would be at say 6:00pm when our core body temperature is highest. Of course the obvious still applies and the consumption of sugar prior to attempting sleep will never end well, often leading to alertness, restlessness and 3 hours of staring at the ceiling. Some foods can however aid sleep, primarily by increasing the levels of a sleep inducing substance in the body called ‘tryptophan’. Foods that are high in tryptophan include milk, eggs, meat, nuts, beans, fish, and cheese. Consumption of these foods will increase levels of tryptophan and increase the likelihood of falling asleep quickly at night.

So we’re designed to sleep at night, we function best this way and to go against this we’re fighting a losing battle with nature. But what if you have no choice and you must work night shifts, or you’re just stubborn and stay awake all night anyway? Well it’s certainly possible to live your entire life sleeping exclusively when the sun goes down but it may come with some adverse effects on your health. For one, you’re not getting any of the benefits of the natural light from the sun, this can cause deficiencies in vitamins B and D (which I’m told are very important) and also decreases melatonin production, which can lead to depression. In the long term it can lead to a number of different organ diseases and increased risk of mental health disorders. So in short, it’s probably best to sleep at night and be awake during the day, but far be it from me to dictate when others sleep.

 

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

Wilson Mizener

Now say you’re a perfectly regular sleeper, you get your 9 hours between 10pm and 7am and feel great for it, what happens if you get on a plane and go shooting off to some far flung part of the globe where they have the sheer cheek to have a different time zone? This question will seem obvious to many people, you’ll feel bloody awful, you’ll be sleep-deprived, short tempered, irritable, perhaps you’ll feel nauseous or even mild depression. This can easily ruin a much anticipated holiday and so there are probably a few things worth trying to counter the effects.

Firstly it’s probably best to understand how jet lag occurs. Jet lag is defined as a desynchronisation between the various biological rhythms within your body, such as your sleep-wake cycle and your eating cycle. It may also be exacerbated by stress levels, the low oxygen levels on the plane during the flight and the social adjustment to the customs of this new country. Now all the best advice from the experts comes in the form of initially increasing the deprivation, keep yourself awake until the correct sleeping time in that particular country, fast for a sustained period of time before finally eating at the correct times of that country and try to establish a social routine that maximises time spent outdoors and minimise exposure to artificial light. Now a combination of all these things should have you fully adjusted to life in a foreign country within the space of 2-3 days and the same applies when you return. Unfortunately there’s no miracle cure to jet lag but those techniques should go someway to easing the undesirable symptoms that come with it.

Finally, in this modern age where time=money some people have decided sleep is too much of an inconvenience and doesn’t fit into their hectic lifestyles, fair enough. So what they have done is prescribed themselves a variety of sleep suppressing drugs in order to stave off sleep and have substituted the benefits of a prolonged, undisturbed sleep for 5-6 twenty minute naps throughout the day/night. Surprisingly this new system appears to have worked for a large number of individuals without any major/noticeable side effects. Undergoing regular health checks it appears their extreme sleep/wake cycle is not doing them any harm and they’re free to continue their 22 hour waking existence. I’m presuming most people would struggle to give up their duvets and pillows to work extra hours, still, it’s an incredible development and could we possibly see a truly 24 hour society in the future?

I spoke of New Year’s resolutions before yet failed to touch upon my own for the coming year. Now this wasn’t a  deliberate ploy to give myself ammo for another blog post but was simply because I didn’t have any at the time. I was racking my brain for something that would actually have some substance and meaning, attainable, yet challenging, and finally I came up with something.

I’m a chronic and unashamed over-thinker. I analyse and deconstruct everything, extracting meaning, cause, possible outcomes, impossible outcomes and an array of things in between. Now sometimes this comes in useful, academic applications for example, this mental overdrive means I fair well

in areas of intellect and knowledge, but it’s a plague on other areas of my life. In matters of relationships and emotions, over-thinking leads to panic, anxiety and self-sabotaging acts. Now coupled with this I also have a tendency to invest too much in life, in trivial matters that have no consequence, in affairs have are of no concern of mine. I end up caring far too much about things beyond my control, things that will work themselves out in the grand scheme of things, things that hardly matter at all. Therefore I decided the best course of action this year would be two take out both pesky birds with one well placed resolutionary stone.

So this year I have elected to give my mind a rest when possible, and involve myself in more activities I enjoy rather than ones that I feel I should be doing. Now this may backfire and I end up a lazy, good-for-nothing hedonist, or  I could end up a little happier, a little less anxious and a little less overworked, I have faith in myself that the latter will be the result. Secondly I've decided to let things slide more, that is to say, care less about the goings on around me, take note of them, understand them, but ultimately not work myself into a panic attack worrying about the possible consequences and repercussions. Between these resolutions I hope to achieve more of an inner peace, a mind used but not overused and a conscience that isn’t so judgemental and tiresome.

Now there many more  character flaws to work on in the coming years but I feel these two are so relentlessly damaging to my life they must be worked on within the coming months. So far it’s going well, I feel refreshed and slightly more content with life, taking obstacles when they come and knowing that I can go straight through them with a wise enough head. As long as nothing too overwhelming occurs I do feel I’m better equipped with deal with life’s pseudo-problems and come out the other side relatively unscathed. What a difference a few short days can make.

Now we all need cheering up from time to time, some people turn to friends, others turn to booze, other crazy people turn to music, if you’re in need of a music playlist to wipe away the tears and lift your spirits …tough, here’s a list of songs that make you feel a hell of a lot worse. Enjoy.

1.) Flogging Molly – Far Away Boys

A largely unknown track by the Irish/American folk rock band ‘Flogging Molly’ this narrative tells the story of Irish immigrants who left Ireland during the famine to work the railways in the grand old US-of-A. Unfortunately this escape was more of an out of the frying pan, into the fire situation as the men were forced to work backbreaking hours for next to no money in conditions that would end up killing a lot of them. This sombre account captures all of the pain, despair and loneliness these men must have felt cut off from their families in a strange, unforgiving land.  Not a song for those missing loved ones, or anyone wishing to remain cheerful about life really.

Choice quote: `Someone said it was Christmas, but not a tree was in sight, the only thing growing was my will to die’

 

2.) Nine Inch Nails – Something I can never have

Reznor and his co-offenders could easily fill up this entire list without too much effort, but for the purposes of variety I’ll limit NIN to one song (and maybe a Cash cover version). Sung in Reznor’s eerie tones and combined with his formidable stage presence, this song is without doubt a truly haunting experience. As well as powerful lyrics that border on the verge of being sinister, a very erratic and booming bass drum line hold the track up as you sink into a state of depression, crying onto the photograph of your ex-girlfriend. I seriously struggled with my choice quote for this song as there are far too many but in the ended it seemed blindingly obvious.

Choice quote: ‘You make this all go away’

 

3.) Seether (featuring Amy Lee) – Broken

From the first few sobering twangs of Shaun Morgan’s guitar you know you’re in for something pretty dark and desolate. This song is also beautifully enhanced by the unquestionably brilliant Amy Lee who adds her own soothing voice to proceedings to really make you curl up and wish to die. This is a song primarily about loneliness, alienations, self doubt and selfless acts of self-sacrifice, awe inspiring stuff I know. Intentional or not but both Morgan and Lee quite cleverly sing this one as if they are both about to kick the chairs from beneath themselves once recording is finished, it’s a nice touch.

Choice quote: ‘ ‘cause I'm broken when I'm open, and I don't feel like I am strong enough’

 

4.)  The Rifles – Local Boy

Now to listen to this song absentmindedly it’s pretty upbeat, fast paced and rather cheery, do not be fooled. Now this song is here on a lyrics basis only, from an instrumental point of view it could be ‘I feel pretty, oh so pretty’ but we know better. Our eponymous hero is a man called Jimmy, a war hero, recalling the days when he returned from the war to his childhood sweetheart. You see this is many years on and we find Jimmy chronically lonely, and cut off from society with only his memories to get him by. The account battles with itself telling us that Jimmy doesn’t need anyone, but finally conceding that there is no one for him, he’s put up his barriers and he’ll die behind them, unnoticed and forgotten. R.I.P Jimmy.

Choice quote: ‘No, he don’t feel anymore, ‘cause Jimmy’s so thick skinned’

 

5.)  Something Corporate – Cavanaugh Park

Recalling his own childhood misery and crippling depression Andrew McMahon and Something corporate add a slightly more delicate touch to bleakness and misery. Ever the deep thinker,McMahon pours his soul into the song as he delves somewhat nostalgically into his youthful memories. However, after every short tale of relative joy, McMahon reminds us of his permanent affliction and the unsettling truth that for people like him happiness will never be a reality, and all he can do is look back to times when he was almost happy. A song that tells it how it is and doesn’t dress the truth up in frills, depressing…yes, brilliant, most definitely so.

Choice quote: ‘I had this dream that my life would be good, and I would do things that I should that I should, and no one is gonna’ me tear me down…but there was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy’

 

6.) Johnny Cash – Hurt

For obvious reasons this tear-jerking rendition of Nine Inch Nail’s ‘Hurt’ could bring even the most drugged-up, Jesus-bothering, sunshine-basking, drooling, Cheshire cat to a point of unfathomable despair.  The last words of a man preparing for death, a man who will live on in the annals of music as a powerhouse of country music. Reznor is no uncertain words bowed down and called this ‘Cash’s song’ after hearing the great man completely revise what his own version had been about. Cash’s epitaph stirs the very soul as you’re forced to wonder how much pain lies behind that revered voice of his as he nears the end of his life. Cash took a song already hailed as one of NIN’s greatest and truly made it his own, applying a personal touch no one else could have managed. As well as being a despairing piece of music Cash somehow also makes it incredibly inspiring, a testament to the man himself.

Choice quote: ‘What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away, in the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt’

7.) Nirvana – Something in the way

Written by Cobain during his troublesome teen years while he loved under a bridge, yes you read that correctly, Kurt Cobain lived under a bridge. Admittedly he didn’t terrorise local goats as they attempted to pass over but instead he wrote this aching melody on the wall to be later recorded for the album ‘Nevermind’. While recording Cobain complained the song wasn’t sounding right in the studio and decided instead to lay strung out upside down on the couch in the control room playing the song alone with his guitar. Reportedly Kurt sang in such a whisper of a voice that all recording equipment was jacked up to full volume and all outside noises were hurriedly turned off to catch this memorable piece of music history. Trivia aside, ‘something in the way'’ was written in one of the most dire periods of Cobain’s life, evoking all of his angst, anger and dejection, a musical masterpiece was born.

Choice quote: ‘It’s ok to eat fish, ‘cause they don’t have any feelings'

8.) Something Corporate – My Konstantine

A 9 minute love ballad from McMahon’s most tortured soul, ‘My Konstantine’ is everything a tragic love song should be. Hailed by critics as a ‘piece of genius’ this song is one not to be forgotten, for many reasons, the beauty of the music, and the painful ache it leaves in the pit of your stomach. McMahon has moved on from writing about his weary mental health to about his shattered hopes, dreams and everything in between. Like so many others McMahon has been guilty of playing away and ruining the greatest thing in his life, his konstantine, and boy do we believe he wants her back (it is 9 minutes long after all). Without doubt ‘My Konstantine’ captures the situation so completely, and with such poetry it cannot be left off this list.

Choice quote: ‘But I'm slipping in between, you and your big dreams, It's always you, in my big dreams’

9.) Idlewild – El Capitan

Idlewild raised eyebrows when they first released a song about a mountain (a recurring theme for Scottish bands it seems), and even more eyebrows when they revealed this mountain was famed locally for the number of people climb to the pinnacle and then proceed throwing themselves off. El Capitan is a very poignant song about desperation and the lengths we will go to escape the hell of our own demons. Full of instantly quotable yet unnerving one liners El Capitan ticks every box to feature on this list.

Choice quote: ‘I’ll climb El Capitan, and jump off, to cheers from the crowd, stand up, stand up and stand down, and I hope you took your camera, to photograph my tears, as they hit the ground’

10.) Radiohead – Creep

To break the mould I decided to list a song famed for it uplifting messages and inspiring disposition, actually I never, at number 10 it’s the ‘you-don’t-understand-me’ crowd’s favourite, Radiohead’s ‘Creep’. Most readers won’t need any further explanation for this one but for those of you not aware of Tom Yorke’s dread and despair revolution this self-pitying number is a universal classic. A story of our time, Yorke speaks for everyone as he laments his own pitiful shortcomings whilst he lusts over an unrequited love. A tale of being unnoticed, unappreciated and blaming yourself, ‘Creep’ piles on the misery, readers of a gloomy disposition are discouraged from listening, at least until they cheer the fuck up.
Choice quote: ‘You’re so very special, I wish I was special, but I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo’

Hopefully you’ll have noticed that within each of these songs is something positive and inspiring to be salvaged from the proverbial wreckage, and hopefully this wasn’t too much of a downer for you. Links to all the videos are available below (click-on-pictures).

 
 

     Ok, this is my first article on here and like a baby deer on a frozen lake I’m slipping and sliding all over the place wondering what the fuck I am doing, other than making myself look stupid for other people’s amusement. Writing is easy, writing for other people to read is hard, but I suppose a change in philosophy is needed for those of us apprehensive about writing for real life human being folk; dance like no one’s watching, write like no one’s reading (which ironically is probably the case).

     Down to business, the new year has come and gone, and with it the desperate and futile hope of things being different this year. What I am talking about are New Year’s resolutions, those two week changes in lifestyle, attitude, character etc. etc. that we embark upon every year in order to make us better people more worthy of society, or in fact ourselves. Now being the cynical kinda’ person that I am people may have thought I’d be against them, rubbishing them as another ridiculous attempt by the human race to pretend like we’re not actually lazy, unmotivated, docile lumps of brain matter stewing in Jagermeister and reality-tv, but that we’re capable, proactive creatures with the good moral sense to improve ourselves every bloody year.  No, I am fully supportive of the idea, in fact I’d even go so far as to say they are a good idea. Yes I am sticking my neck out there.

     Sometimes we are lacking in motivation, sometimes we do find it hard to actually give a damn about shedding those spare 40lbs we keep in our second stomach, or to start reading those books we told ourselves we would read as soon as got some free time – 8 years ago. The New Year gives us a chance to wipe the slate clean, to forget what has been and gone, what has happened or didn’t happen and to convince ourselves everything will be better next year, as if the universe has obliging agreed a pact with us that this will be the case. Now even if these resolutions don’t last more than a few weeks, it is the idea that I’m celebrating, with all that’s wrong with this world every year people still take the time to make a pledge to be better, to do better, they at the very least show the inclination to improve themselves and things around them. Now if these kind of resolutions happened every month the world would be a bloody brilliant place, as it is we’re still getting ‘must try harder’ written on our year’s endeavours.

     Now I’m hoping this year people will have been more creative with their resolutions, straying from the tired old gym memberships and quitting drinking (which is a stupid idea by the way) and branch out into more person-specific, life-fulfilling resolutions. After taking a quick peek at the resolutions of internet people, here’s a list of my favourites:

1. ‘My resolution is to stop being so nice because it gets me nowhere.Instead I'm just gonna’ be brutally honest and say whatever whenever. Basically my resolution is to be a bitch. Don't like it? I don't care.’
2. ‘My New Year's Resolution is to stop commenting on my boyfriend's Facebook all the time, since I see him every day of the week’
3. ‘My resolution is to get my divorce started, processed, and completed before April then get married to my neighbour.. seriously! I want my fairytale ending!’
4. ‘My resolutions for this year is
   1. To completely finish my 800 page jumbo colouring book
   AND
   2. See how many hamsters I can buy in 1 year.’
5. ‘I'm going to learn CSS so I create a website for a character in my novel I wrote in 2009. So I am studying hard to give an imaginary parrot her own website! Beat that for weird!’

Can anyone top that lot? Post your New Year’s resolutions.